Learning About Apology Languages Will Make Your "Sorry" Actually Stick

This apology language is all about telling the person you're in conflict with that you wish you hadn't caused them pain. "Either you or your loved one acknowledge the pain you've caused to the other, and you express your regret for that," Cook-McKay explains. This could be your apology language if you feel really seen and validated when someone expressed regret for something they did to hurt you, which then allows you to forgive and move on.

Expressing regret examples:

• "I'm so embarrassed I spoke poorly of you in front of our coworkers."
• "I'm ashamed I hurt your feelings again."
• "I feel so bad for forgetting about our plans."

By accepting responsibility, you're verbally accepting fault for hurting the other person. "This apology language includes acknowledgment of their responsibility for their behavior and not making any excuses for it," Cook-McKay says. Owning your actions as hurtful is key with this one.

Accepting responsibility examples:

• "I'm so sorry I spilled my drink on your shirt. I need to be more careful next time."
• "I take full responsibility for what I said last night. There's no excuse and I'm sorry."
• "It was my fault we were late to the show."

If your loved one's apology language is making restitution, they want you to make the situation right. "You pair the apology with an action to make up for what you did," Cook-McKay explains. "This is typically used to reach a compromise and to make things fair for both parties." If you don't know what you can do to make up for it, you can also ask what they want from you.

Making restitution examples:

• "I feel terrible that I broke your necklace. Can I pay for it to make it up to you?"
• "I'm so sorry that I lied to you. I know it's going to take time, but I want to do everything I can to earn your trust back."
• "I'm sorry I acted that way. What can I do to make up for it?"

Genuinely repenting means acknowledging the hurt you caused and working to do better next time. "This involves putting yourself on the receiving end of what you did in order to realize the impact of what you said or did," Cook-McKay says. "You acknowledge the emotional hurt that was created by what you did."

Genuinely repenting examples:

• "I'm so sorry I embarrassed you in front of our friends. I will do my best to never do it again. Next time, I'll be more thoughtful before speaking."
• "I saw how much it hurt you when I spoke that way and I'm sorry. I understand why that was so painful to hear."
• "I know how much you were looking forward to this weekend and I'm so sorry I spoiled it. I understand why you've been so angry with me."

This apology language is pretty straightforward. To request forgiveness, you simply ask the other person to forgive you for what you've done. "This apology language asks a direct question and gives the power to the person you hurt to accept your apology," Cook-McKay explains. You may also want to add something along the lines of "but it's up to you" when asking, because you don't want to force or beg them to forgive you — it's their call.

Requesting forgiveness examples:

• "I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me, but I understand if you can't right now."
• "I'm so sorry. Will you forgive me?"
• "I want to ask for your forgiveness, but I get it if you're not there yet."